You, the Closet, and the Truth

By: Josh Morgan

Posted: 4/23/09

Coming out of the closet. Most of us have heard the term and know what it means. To humor this article let's say some people aren't as up to date. The phrase means to come out from hiding in your closet, where no one can see the true you, sometimes including yourself, and revealing yourself to your friends, family, and anyone who cares. Revealing yourself means accepting and embracing the fact that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgender. For convenience, when I say gay, I mean all of the terms covered under LGBT may apply. Coming out as a transgender is a much more difficult process than what the LGB people face but it does not necessarily mean a transgender person is gay.

The first person that we have to come out to is ourselves. This is one of the hardest phases that we face in the coming out process, mainly because it is accepting who we are on the inside rather than having to try to convince another person. We have to deal with our fears, doubts, pain, depression, denial, and so much more by ourselves at first. A full self-reflection is constantly going on inside our heads where we ask: Who am I? This question for anyone is difficult, but especially for a person who has been told their whole life that there is only one thing they can be, even though our body tells us differently. It is as difficult as where did we come from? The most important thing to remember is that it is better to be hated for we are than loved for who we are not.

Some of us accept it early, before we enter college, and others it takes a while to fully realize what these feelings we have are. I didn't classify myself as possibly gay until late high school. I always felt attracted to the same sex but never considered that I could ever be gay. Why is it so hard to accept though? The most basic answer I can give is that it is different from society. It isn't conforming to what people want you to be. People don't have that same feeling of security that everyone is just like them if you are going to be different. People are afraid of what is different from that which has been seen as safe.

Who keeps us safe? The government and for most people it is their religion, or God. All major religions condemn the practice of homosexuality and if so many people follow it, it must be right! So then why are there those that have broken off from that ideology and formed their own congregations or the other brave ones who have broadened their beliefs to include the acceptance of homosexuals?

We fear the people that would easily shun us for even hinting at the fact that we might be an irreversible different. Our self-reflection helps us to reconcile this fear with our need to be happy as human beings; our need to be at peace with ourselves so that others can be at peace with us. Once we have accepted ourselves for who we are, we can reach out to our friends and family for their support and acceptance. Acknowledging the fact that you are gay to yourself doesn't bring you out of the closet, but you do have your hands on the door knobs. Now all that's left is the feeling of freedom that will make you pull the doors back and truly be free.

For most people this feeling comes from the acceptance of those close to us. We need companionship with other humans to be happy. I know I do. Make sure you have researched homosexuality in order to answer questions you may have but also to counter any objections someone else might bring up. Then you should identify anyone close to you that would respond favorably. This is the next major leap we have to take. For some it is their best friend, a sibling, a parent, a rabbi/preacher, a therapist, or a mentor. For me, it was the girl I "dated" in middle school, who is a very open and accepting person, but right after her was my best friend of over 11 years now.

If you receive a negative reaction don't take it personally by acting angry or defensive. This person grew up in the same culture you did and you probably had adverse feelings towards homosexuality previously as well. If you receive a positive reaction, then you are off to an excellent start! I moved through my circles of friends starting with the closest one and branched out. My family was the last group to know, or rather the last group I was ready to tell.

For pretty much every single gay person out there, coming out to your parents is the most difficult decision they could choose to make. Some may never come out to their parents out of pure fear of being hated by the ones that have loved them the most in their life. There are several questions you should ask yourself in order to decide if you wish to come out to your parents.

What is the nature of your relationship with your parents? Is their current love for you based on who you really are or on their belief of who you are? How much energy has it taken to hide your identity from them? Are you financially dependent on your parents? What is their moral societal view? Is this your decision? If you feel that your answers are favorable then you know what to do. It is very important to have a group of people who support you that you can go to if you receive a negative reaction from your parents.

I never considered most of those questions when I made the decision but I knew my parents were very egalitarian and accepting of those that are different. For my mom it was seeing everything she had envisioned for her son just disappear. For her, my safety was the most pressing concern. I know it took a little while for her to accept it and I went about coming out the wrong way. In the end I am one of the lucky ones whose parents are fully accepting and wishing me nothing but happiness.

There are so many terrible stories I hear of parents beating or disowning their children. I feel the pain of the victims of their parent's negative reactions and reach out to those who have been injured by the people they thought loved them for who they are. It is the most vulgar thing for a parent to hate their child for being something they could not control or change.

My parents' social liberal views were probably an influential factor in their acceptance. For most parents in South Carolina who are socially conservative, it is the opposite. They have been taught that homosexuality is wrong and you would bring shame upon the family if people were to know. It's the same thing most everyone has ever been taught. Some people have their best friends since childhood abandon them along with their family. Imagine what it would be like losing contact with all those you cared about and being alone. It's not the best feeling in the world and possibly the worst.

So many are bound by the dogmatic ideology of a religion invented thousands of years ago that they just can't accept that you are white, black, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, Asian, Jewish, Catholic, etc. They have their opinion and it is fully their right as human beings to have it. But if that opinion encroaches upon the civil liberties of another person they should it keep it to themselves and let us live our lives. The religious philosophies of our leaders should never be imposed upon the citizens because it is the same principle as Hitler, Stalin and many other ruthless dictators followed in the same in the past.

Those in the GLBT community have only one absolute thing in common: their sexual and/or gender identity. At our Gay-Straight Alliance meetings we have people that like rock and those that like rap; those that are white and those that are black; those that play sports and those that play video games; those that are Christian and those that are Jewish. LGBT is merely an identifier and does not fully define who we are as a person. What one of us does is not the reflection of the entire community and should never be taken that way. We are our own person and should not be thrown into a category so quickly because we are different.

Society is changing and realizing that LGBT are human beings and deserve every right heterosexuals have. Same-sex marriages and civil unions are being and have been legalized in several states. Gay-Straight Alliances are popping up all over the nation and not just in colleges but in high schools too! People are being given a place to go to be fully accepted and to understand each other. Allies are a vital part of the LGBT community. They are the ones who have fully recognized the rights of others to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They are the ones who can help shape society into a more accepting and less hating place.

Dr. King once said, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Well there are plenty of us that have a dream too. That one day we will not be judged by our sexuality but by the content of our character. What we are is never as important as who we are.